Sadness

Am I to be happy? I dwell so deep within myself that I have never seen the light of day. The past never happened, the future will never come, and the present isn't real. Depression is a part of everyday life. The birds chirp for someone else, The day warms the lives of everyone, but me. Happiness lies near, but my mind won't let my heart reach for it, and happiness never knew. I live in a prison, solitary confinement. Fear is my guard. Nothing stops happiness from reaching me, only me from it. I am sure that if I can ever grasp it that the barrier will be forever shattered. How do you break through invisible bars? What is it like to touch something you've never had? I am confined to myself, Just me and my sadness.

"suicide poem"

Suicide Poem, A Sonnet

Was I bewitched so by the thin red line To notice not that time released its hold And let pale Iris snip the silver twine To steal sweet youth before it turned to gold. Existence now is not what I was told; No seraphim and harps to grace my ear, Just silence, painful silence, and the cold Discomfort of my masochistic fear, So icy cold, yet somehow seems to sear My soul until the ache's too much to bare, As mortal life mirages now appear: Intangible are they; away they tear. Mistake, it was; the curtain fell too soon When razor's edge did charm me like the moon.

Failure

To try and try and yet come up short, to hang my head while giving report, not able to make anything right, turns brightest day to darkest night. Amidst thoughts of strength to find myself weak brings a gut-wrenching pain of which my heart cannot speak. Failure has never been part of my plan. I curse times I don’t, when I know that I can. My standard, my goal, my hope is perfection, yet I am met with regret, rebuke and rejection. Failure is a companion I have grown to despise, its taunts and its laughs are not found in your eyes. In you I can see love, understanding and more. You think me a winner regardless life’s score. When I’ve nearly given up, drowning in failure, you life my life, my sight, my plight to the Savior. A loving like yours in this life is most glorious, although I’m imperfect with you and Christ I’m victorious.

Despair

If only the world could see what I feel then, would the world, know who I am I've loved, lost and feared the world for it is sometimes too much to bare Control, power, is what I fear for I am weak inside and full of pain I shout and cry, but knowing there is nobody there to hear me I swallow the shame and anger that lies beneath me I am lost to reality and living in time Though I am struggling through life and all that it offers, I am only human and that is what makes me . . . Me. Still, I wish for the happiness and pleasure that I have earned, but realize that, I have not yet overcome the world's greatest challenge Love! and how to accept it - I am ready to face my fears

Pain Of The Night Watch as this tear falls into empty space See it fall into life's nameless place Can you see the sparkle as it catches the light That sparkle once was happiness that is no longer in sight As it falls watch it, its color has changed From blue to bright red, it has a wide range There it goes all alone, it continues to fall With it, it takes the emotion, the emotion of all Wait, can you hear it? A sob has broke free Has shook the lungs cold, but yet it continues to be Here it comes, a force has been built between the eye A wall of shear water, it's now time to cry A shudder, a scream, darkness envelops your soul The darkness of the night has taken its toll

Losing

losing all I can see. nothing remains. dripping slowly away the tides recede and I stand alone. I look down from the precipice that is my life and wonder where the tides go. will they return to fill my gaping soul? or will the waters dry to flow no more and leave me standing and breathless? all I can do is wait. watching from my precipice, all I can do is wonder.

And Yet I Die

I see the stars sparkling so bright, Within the moon kissed sky. I hear the lark so sweetly sing, Amidst the morning dawn. I smell the flower full in bloom, And see their royal pomp. And yet some place so deep within, I'm shrouded and I'm closed. The brilliance there I can't see, In mists of misery. Enshrined inside, unable thus, To touch the warmth without. I gaze upon this passion spent, And yet . . . Inside I die.

"The Loser"

"The Loser"

They say that I’m a loser
And perhaps that may be true
Since I don’t have a lot of friends
And my interests are but few
I’m not a worldly person
Well versed in social graces
So I prefer to stay at home
Than go to public places
I don’t go out to parties
Or places where you dance
And I haven’t had a date in years
Afraid to take a chance
People always make me nervous
Because I’m rather shy
Lacking in the confidence
To be a stand up guy
I’m not a very clever man
Nor can I tell a joke
I’m neither tall or handsome
And I always am flat broke
I have no sense of humor
Or talent to create
Is it any wonder then
That I don’t have a mate
In spite of all that I am not
I never get depressed
For I’ve accepted who I am
Being second best
They say that I’m a loser
And perhaps that may be true
But if I had to change my life
I’d wind up being you

"If You Had A Bad Time"

"If You Had A Bad Time"

If you had a bad time
At one of my parties
Well I wouldn't expect to be seeing you soon and that's fine

You have to know what and why
Those things make you happy
You have to know that a second guess ain't worth the try

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
I don't know, no big deal gotta go

If you're up to your ears
In blood, sweat and wasted years
I'm hoping you're going to open your throat
And just scream

You have to know who and why
Which ones miss you when you die
You have to know that a second guess ain't worth the salt in your eyes

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
No big deal

It just sits on my shoulders you're breaking my neck
We get crazy with age now you're under my bed
And it's dark all the time, all the time

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
I don't know, no big deal here I go.
If you had a bad time
At one of my parties
Well I wouldn't expect to be seeing you soon and that's fine

You have to know what and why
Those things make you happy
You have to know that a second guess ain't worth the try

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
I don't know, no big deal gotta go

If you're up to your ears
In blood, sweat and wasted years
I'm hoping you're going to open your throat
And just scream

You have to know who and why
Which ones miss you when you die
You have to know that a second guess ain't worth the salt in your eyes

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
No big deal

It just sits on my shoulders you're breaking my neck
We get crazy with age now you're under my bed
And it's dark all the time, all the time

Just some words of advice
Maybe you've heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you're one of those things
I don't know, no big deal here I go.

"This Could Be Love"

"This Could Be Love"

I've got a book of matches
I've got a can of kerosene
I've got some bad ideas involving you and me
I don't blame you for walking away
I touched myself had thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days

And I found you tongue-tied in my twisted little brain
You couldn't crack a smile
I didn't catch your name
I don't blame you for walking away
I'd do the same if I saw me
I swear it's not contagious
In four short steps we can erase this

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop off at Edgebrook Creek and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one

I'm like a broken record
I've got a needle scratching me
It injects the poison of alcohol I.V.
I don't blame you for walking away
I'd do the same if I saw me
I swear it's not contagious
I swear to God it's not contagious

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop at Lake Michigan and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one

This could be love - love for fire
This could be love - love for fire
This could be love - love for fire
This could be love for fire forevermore

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop at Berkeley Marina and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one
One by one

"Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?"

"Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?"

Maybe you don't understand it, what keeps them awake at night
What goes through their little minds when you turn off the light?
Always having to say sorry tears are stained on the pillow
Like the light of the moon they can't be one
Can't exist without the son

Let's think clearly for a while
Can he shine without a smile?

Why am I alone with no one to be found?
Looks like they know what's best for me
Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
Guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
I'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

Been around the block a few times, been beat up by all his friends
Learing life is like a maze that never seems to end
Like an open book, blank pages left for only him to write
Life is short this chapter takes so long
Can't tell the right from the wrong

It's so hard for you to place
An expression on his face

Why am I alone with no one to be found?
Looks like they know what's best for me
Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
Guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
I'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand
Why my friends and family left me
At six years old he won't be taught a meaning to this mess
He'll just have to take a guess, and make his own plan
And we'll never see the child that was forced to be a man

"Night comes for me throughout the day"

"Night comes for me throughout the day"

Night comes for me throughout the day
and closes my external doors
I know that I'm in for more
unhappiness and yet I stay

The pain of missing you is less
Than that of missing thoughts of you
And so I'd rather suffer through
This torture than face emptiness

You are the light
that gets me through this awful night
yet bring the darkness everywher I go